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Okay everyone! I'm Hayley, I'm 21, and I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about two years ago. Now at first I didn't know what to think cause I didn't really even know what it was . . . I thought it was something that just described the way my brain worked, like one of those
personality tests that tells you which movie star would be your match. Obviously this runs deeper than the fact that I'm determined to be with Harrison Ford.
If you have speakers on you can hear my theme song he he,
by Sheryl Crow. I couldn't have said it better myself. It's hard to stick with people like me. I'm forever throwing tantrums and yelling for no reason. and if I'm not yelling, I'm about to, or maybe I'll cry for no reason today. the fact is to many I'm upset for no reason, but not to me. I find it very reasonable to believe that my friends will ditch me if I go to the bathroom by myself since they don't even like me anyways. Or if someone sits with their back to me for five seconds it's not because someone else just came in and they're saying hi, it's because I'm not good enough to talk to and I need to punish myself for not being interesting enough.
I go through this same crap everytime I leave the house with people. I can rationally say right now I know that behavior is unfounded and unreasonable and swear that I'm not going to act that way again, but I always do. And then I get mad at myself for being such an idiot and the stress builds up to a breaking point inside me that usually ends up in my cutting (getting pretty bad lately) or doing something else equally as stupid. But I'll never let anyone know I do these things, it's too embarassing so my friends simply think I own a rather vicious cat who scratches me on a daily basis (not true) ar that I'm simply a giant bitch. I wouldn't want to trade places with them for anything. I don't know how they put up with all my crap. Well they don't really care anyways.
I'm not currently in treatment. I used to go to therapy but that didn't do anything for me. It usually ended up with me yelling at my therapist and telling her she's an idiot and what a waste of time this was for me. I'm sure I'll go back after I've calmed down a bit. But for now I'm on my own . . . I'm attempting to get back into school, but's it's tough when you don't have a mind of your own. I tend to become a carbon-copy of whoever I'm with and can't seem to choose a career. If I'm with one person, I want to be a racecar driver, with another, I want to be a dentist. It's hard to think for yourself. And I hate when others take that choice for granted. I can't rememebr the last time I made a significant decision for myself . . .sadly.
But things are beginning to look up. I've not been suicidal for quite soem time and I've gotten iciously angry only a few times in the past litle while. I'm working on doing more things by myself now. Hopefully someday I may be able to decide what my favourite food is, but for now I'm gonna say, whatever my friend said.